[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
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*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.