The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
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ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.