People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
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I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Mornin
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
s
oc
i
a
l
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
How do dragons blow out candles?
no cat here
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
that’s really how it is
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair