The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
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Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Awwwww shit.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
White Castle for the Win
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish