Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
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No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
And that about sums it up.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*