I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
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Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job