The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
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[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Yup!
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back