FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
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my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.