Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
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Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Dance like you’re not the father
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.