[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
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*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.