My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
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Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
buying dead houseplants to save time
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”