me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
You Might Also Like
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.