we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
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I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
I’ve had worse
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!