Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
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The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Wikigenius
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
*puts my mental health in rice
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably