Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
You Might Also Like
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
I love the honesty
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum