Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
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Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
I’ll be mad as hell!
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends