If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
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scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.