My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
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The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
WHO DID THIS?
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives