St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
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I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.