Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
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It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else