If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
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Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
😂 amazing answer
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.