I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
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Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.