80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
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idk what he going thru but i feel him
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to