In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
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guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
“you changed” bro i was 15
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.