Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
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If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.