Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
You Might Also Like
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…