ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
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A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]