I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
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*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.