Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
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Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.