You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
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marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
calling in to work dehydrated
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.