I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
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I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.