Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
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What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
nyc:
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
So we got a goldfish…
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away