I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
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I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe