[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
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-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
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