[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
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True statement👍😏😁
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?