Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
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i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war