I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
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You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.