Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
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My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.