i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
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[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
“I FIXED IT!”
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john