I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
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Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
being a writer on Twitter:
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming