Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
You Might Also Like
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Every time my phone rings
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before