Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
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Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
fixed it
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
me after drinking all the wine:
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*