Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
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Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
These work great until they don’t.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
scenes of unspeakable carnage
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.