[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
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If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
necessity is the mother of invention
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.