My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
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Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale