Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
You Might Also Like
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Said the murderer.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)