Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
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Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Spell check is for lasers.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
started wrapping my pills in cheese