If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
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It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
whatcha thinkin bout
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what