I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
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Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?