Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
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Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”